Happy Easter Sunday to everyone. Doesn't the Visual DNA thing (see the last post) look gorgeous? I got it off Tuan's blog yesterday, and I totally love it. :-) Anyway, I haven't been able to sleep well for the past week, having woken up during the obscenely early hours of the morning, like 0400-ish to 0600-ish. What the hell. I'm jobless! Unemployed! I shouldn't be awake even earlier than working folks...and what's worse is that I can never get back to sleep after that. Ugh. How to recover like this.

Anyway, I was umemployed anyway. I'm now an official relief teacher with _________ Secondary, and I started work last Thursday. Friends and family had adverse reactions towards this:

Mum: Girl, don't go! The students will bully you until you cry!
Fifth Aunt: Aiyo, you know the students there are VERY bad! They beat up their teachers!
Mei Hui: _________ sec ah! Ying Huan said that the police always got called down to that school...

but the most interesting reply came from Di Hui.

Me: (In mandarin) Eh Ah Di...I'm teaching in _________ sec.
Di Hui: ... _________ sec ah. Ahahaha. Haaaaa __________ sec.
Me: What!
Di Hui: ah....at least u didn't get _ _ _ _ _ _ sec la. _________ sec...haaa..

Okaaaay, point taken.

So I got a call on Thurs from the General Office, ate breakfast and got dressed in record time before heading down in the Family Taxi. After the necessary paperwork was completed and the office clerk handed me a school map and my timetable for the day, I went for my first class: sec 1 History. I walked in, and the entire class erupted with cheers-- a very common reaction at the sight of a relief teacher entering, as I would learn later. Such a comforting thought, really, when you're a sick teacher sneezing your nose off at home and your chest threatens to burst with every cough...and all the little buggers can say is "YYYYEEEEEAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

"...Some people may say, "Oh, but that's so fierce! What if I scare the little darlings?" and I say, "[insert name of animal faeces]" remember that you are outnumbered 40 to 1 in a classroom, and that if they were to suddenly realise that they could all scream, shout or run out of the class and you wouldn't be able to stop them all, you are so screwed.

If you were outnumbered 40 to 1 by a gang of ferocious hounds, would you go, "Oh lookit the cute little doggies!" and try to pet them? Same concept....""
from http://miseducators.blogspot.com/2005/07/tips-for-first-time-relief-teachers.html

Keeping this in mind, I set out to restore order at once. "CLAAAASSSSS! KEEP QUIET!" I screamed, and gave then The Glare. For those of you familiar with The Glare, you would know what I'm talking about.-evil smirk- Anyway they quietened down sufficiently for me to explain that their teacher was on MC -cue more cheers- and assigned them a surprise test that day.

"CHERRRRR DON'T WANT LAAAAAAH!!! WE NEEEEEVERRRRR STAAAAAAAAADYYYYYYYYYYY!!!" I repeatedly emphasised that since their teacher didn't tell them to study for it, obviously they weren't expected to know EVERYTHING. Sheeesh..I would learn later that this kind of 'kiasu' attitude is only prevalent amongst the sec one students, and by the time they get to sec three no one gives a flying shit. Anyway most of them were well-behaved and bravely battled the gorgons of the crossword puzzle, until...

"TEACHERRRR!!! SOMEBODY USING TEXTBOOK!" I confronted the accused, who was by then trying to act nonchalant about it. After a series of this-is-a-test-so-looking-at-your-text-would-defeat-it's purpose-esque warnings, I let him off. Then came the second complaint about the same thing. I walked over again to see not one, but TWO little buggers hunched over the textbook, sniggering and looking really pleased with their own audacity.

"Boys, I already warned you! You cannot refer to your textbook! All your other friends are doing the test on their own! Are you deliberately going against your teacher?"

Monkey Boy #1: "Later we fail how! You tell teacher I scared ah!" And he stuck out his scrawny little chin and flared his nostrils while his evil, beady little eyes stared defiantly from behind his expensive Oakley-esque glasses.
WTF?! All this for a stupid test?! And this is a SEC ONE BOY.
No wonder the teaching profession is facing a manpower drain. Teachers are not paid enough to deal with this kind of shit.

Me: "OKAY FINE! Since you guys are obviously not cooperating, I'm CONFISCATING YOUR BOOK."
Monkey Boy #2: "HUHHHH CHERRR DON'T TAKE MY BOOK LAH!!!" -I reach for the book-
Money Boys: "WAH LAO CHERRR!" and would you believe it, Monkey Boy #2 actually grabs the book in my hand and attempts to snatch the darn thing from me. Before I continue to narrate this drama, I would like to pause here and mention that while all this nonsense was going on, the rest of the class was doing their work quietly and peacefully. Such angels they were. So anyway, with my pride and respect from the other kids at stake, I couldn't lose to this bugger right? So I uttered the line that I absolutely HATED from all relief teachers when I was a student.

Me:-looking at the name on textbook- "I KNOW YOUR NAME! YOUR NAME IS JASON! OKAY IF YOU DON'T LET GO I WILL REPORT YOU TO THE DM!" Monkey Boy #2 looks defeated and lets go while Monkey Boy #1 has the common sense to shut up. This DM must be SOME figure, man. Dingdingding, Pearlyn - 1 point + bonus 100000000 for using secret weapon, Monkey Boy Patrol - zero. Whoo.

***

Next class was a sec three combined humanities History lesson, which I was SO not looking forward to. Especially after this nice teacher named Khairul told me, "If you are a lady teacher in that class, you better know how to protect yourself."

Ooookay.

Sooooo.

The noise hit me like a tsunami when I was three classrooms away. The usual chorus of cheers at the sight of a relief teacher was followed by waves of loud laughter and chitterchatter from different parts of the classroom. I was given no lesson plan, except for a stack of emergency vocabulary exercises given to me by the nice lady in the office. Like seriously, do they actually think that a bunch of rowdy sec three students would be settled down by a crummy vocab worksheet-- the same thing assigned to sec ONES when there's no lesson plan provided as well??? Needless to say, my shouting didn't work, The Glare didn't work, half the boys in class looked like they could pound me to dust the second I said, 'Please keep your handphone.' As I quietly despaired while trying to ally myself with them (read: 'listen guys, you just need to be quiet for the next 2 periods...'), Ms Z the Head of the Humanities Department walks in and it was one of those 'YES, THERE IS A GOD!' moments for me. Ms Z walked in, shouted "QUIEEET" and peace was restored. She smiles at me and sweetly tells the class that we would BOTH be teaching them, and the look on some of their faces was PRICELESS, I tell you. She assigned them this lengthy History essay and NOT A SINGLE person dared to breathe in disagreement. Wow. Apparently, she always accompanies new relief teachers to that particular class.When she turned to me, smiled and said, "Don't worry, I'm here' I just wanted to hug her.