I wish things could be the same as before, when we were friends and maybe just something more. That's the purest phase in a relationship, I think. Back in the days of half cups of ice-cocoa, debating whether sebastian from The Little Mermaid was a crab or lobster...back when all we knew was reversing the direction of each others' frowns. "8 months...that's very long in terms of relationship longevity." Is it? Time really flies by when you're happy, but the minutes refuse to budge when you wish they do...It's hard to ignore this sudden lump of emptiness that has somehow manifested in my gut, growing slowly and steadily like a cancerous tumour.
'......the strong swelling evil of my conception...' (Lord Angelo in Measure for Measure by William Shakespeare)I'm strongly reminded of this quote, which I memorised for yesterday's Lit exam. I imagine the emptiness as an ugly, scaly foetus sinking it's gnarled fingers and toes into my insides, an evil smirk across it's grotesque features as it shoves aside my organs to make space for it's deformed self. I can feel it mocking my futile attempts to understand it. I wish it would just go away.
It's already after the June tests. Are you ready to talk to me? I'm waiting for your call. Would you please do something about it? I don't want to initiate it, in case you're not ready. I guess I chose to suppress and undermine my feelings (of what? devastation? confusion? fear? I don't know.) about the whole thing and threw myself into preparing for the exams...the rebound feelings are immensely overwhelming, now that can finally afford to face them properly. Yesterday, you sent me home...but we never said more than a few words to each other. You looked worn-out (an understandable after-effects of cramming for exams) but why is it that I sense that there's something else more complicated bothering you...like you want to say something, but you aren't quite sure how to start. I hate this barrier between us. I wanted to reach out and hold you close to me, and smooth that (imaginary?) frown line that seems to marr your perfect features. But I couldn't, even though you were right next to me. Last night as I sat in bed reading, I thought of you and the tears came, along with this horrible tugging sensation at my heart. All I can think about now is you...your large eyes framed by those long, dark lashes..how they narrow at the side when you smile, how they look like the cloudy sky of a brewing storm when you're bothered....that soft kiss on the lips yesterday that made me tear from momentary relief. Fragile reassurance. I don't know anymore.I hate being so weak, I hate being caught in an emotional cul-de-sac...but it's all worth it, somehow. No one can tell me that you're not worth my tears, because you are...every single drop that flows silently down my cheeks, into a river that I hope will reach you in your dreams...Somebody slap this girl.
